I’m a bad leader.

“Being bold does not mean being aggressive and being loving does not mean being passive.”
 
I’ve been in leadership really all my life. Ever since I can remember I was leading an FCA meeting, holding positions in clubs, making the decisions for my friends. I hardly ever followed. I was just used to taking on a position of leadership, so I just jumped in whenever a leader was needed. If I am being honest, I didn’t want to follow- I thought I could do everything.
 
But these last few months have shown me, I have no idea how to lead.
 
I am actually really really bad at it.
 
In my first three months on this trip I realized a ton about myself. And because of how, well, sinful I found myself, all my pride was stripped down to nothing.
 
That sounds awesome in theory, ‘Oh yay I am more humble now’ but it sucked. A lot. I realized that I had been living a false life. I had been relying on myself so much. I didn’t know how to follow. I didn’t know what not leading even looked like.
 
I didn’t even know how to follow Jesus, because I was so used to being the leader.
 
So after a few months of brokenness and learning how little and useless I am without Jesus, I was finally learning to follow Him, relying on Him for my every move.
 
But I had no confidence that I could do anything, especially lead again.
 
So of course it was about that time that I was asked to step into leadership on my team. I was placed in leadership over 4 other people on my squad.
 
Then I was thrown out of the field, just the 5 of us, and I was supposed to lead.
 
My whole life I lead rather… aggressively. I was demanding, bossy, basically it was my way or the highway- even though I never would have said it. And now I knew that was wrong, so I took it to the other extreme. I was passive, noncommittal, and I asked, “well what do ya’ll want to do?” more than I ever made decisions.
 
That wasn’t really good either.
 
These past few weeks I have spent a lot of time talking to my leaders about how I should lead. The quote above is what one of them told me.
 
I want to be loving- not passive. Bold- not aggressive. In theory that sounds nice- but I found myself drowning because I didn’t know what that looked like.
 
That is kinda the point. Even through all I learned in my first few months, I was still trying to lead.
 
But I am small, and I mess up so much. I am a sinner, most of the time I’m a wreck. I can’t lead on my own.
 
But Jesus is the best leader.
 
He was humble, but others wanted to follow Him.
He was loving, but got angry and yelled.
He had so much grace, but told people boldly to stop sinning.
 
When I lead, I want to look like Jesus.
 
Jesus is the perfect balance of Bold and Loving.
 
I have to follow Him- before I could ever lead.
 
And I have to follow Him now- in order to lead.
 
But the best part is I want to follow.