i’m not good at this

its become apparently obvious to me this week, that i am not good at this.

This whole Christian thing, this whole missionary thing, this whole leading thing- im not good at it.

i’ve questioned myself over and over again this week, trying to figure out why i am here. Why am i even following this Jesus guy. Maybe i came here with too much pride. Maybe i came here with too many expectations. Maybe i came here too broken.

When i became a Christian, I thought that as i grew in my relationship with Him, i would become less broken. That somehow he would piece me back together so that i could stand up and serve him.

That doesn’t seem to be happening.

It appears to me that as i grow with Him, i become more broken, more messy, more unsure of my abilities to serve Him properly.

But there is another side of this brokenness.

Something changed in me a few weeks ago. I started to figure out for the first time that I was looking to other things besides Jesus to fill me up.  A lot of different things- my friends, my bible reading times, sermons, worship, my mentors… I thought if I filled my time with all of these ‘good’ Christian things, somehow I would be filled up.

Insecurity has plagued me for all of my life.  Insecurity because no matter how solid my community is, they are going to fail. Insecurity because no matter how hard I try, I am never going to be good enough, and I thought that’s what mattered.

But my focus got shifted. Instead of looking at other people, or looking at my inadequacies, I got a chance to look at God’s great plan.

I am never going to be good at the things he places in front of me. My brokenness is always going to exist. But I don’t have to live in a place of insecurity over that.

I get to live in a place of complete confidence in knowing God is doing a great work and immeasurably more in me than I can even imagine.

Whoa… cool.