its that time again…

So many times when I start to write a blog, I sit staring at this blank word document. Its not that I have nothing to write about, its that putting my heart, emotion, and thoughts onto a page overwhelms me- because once it is on this page, once I hit that post button, whatever I have been thinking officially becomes reality.
 
Today this is extremely hard to even think about- that this blog actually signifies my halfway point on this trip, and that it also means that I only have one week left at Sila Home.
 
I haven’t talked or posted a lot about Sila Home because well it hasn’t been what I would call ‘normal missionary work’. It certainly wasn’t what I expected coming in to Thailand.
 
Here is a quick summary of what my past two months has looked like:
 
3 days a week, we wake up to work, usually hoeing, digging, or farming the mushrooms. The other 2 mornings we teach English in a local school. Then the children get home from school around 4, playtime begins. From 4 until about 9 we play, help with homework, and play some more. Then we fall asleep ready for it to start all over again tomorrow. Then on Sundays we spend the morning in church and the rest of the day playing and playing and sometimes watching a movie. (The other day is our off day, even missionaries need a day off!)
 
But back to the point- we are down to the countdown, today is our last Saturday to play (we are tie-dying shirts) tomorrow will be our last church service and so on until we leave next Saturday morning.
 
One thing I realized this week, I am awful at goodbyes. I am actually writing this avoiding what is hard, starting to say goodbye in my heart. I ran away from the children playing outside to hide alone in the security of my room.
 
To say I have fallen in love in Thailand would be a vast understatement. I am terribly unsure of how my heart is going to handle this goodbye. As I start to type this paragraph tears are filling my eyes, how do I finish here. How to I fully express to these children how much I love them, and leave one more lasting impression of how much Jesus loves them? 
 
I guess this is why we need Jesus so much- to cling to him when I can’t say goodbye: To turn around and bury my face into Him and cry because I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. To help me find peace in the fact that He holds these children and can hold them like I did while I was here.
 
But for now I am going to go pull the precious little girls onto my lap, to deal one more game of Phase 10 with the boys, to strum on the guitar with the older children, to soak up every last minute here in full faith that Jesus can put my heart back together after goodbyes.